I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
zippers are such a cool invention
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You are a booty call, not a friend.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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