Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
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So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
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I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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