i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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