we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
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