Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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