mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize