I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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