Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
