who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
