Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
