he wants to bone in the snuggie
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
