"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Found your dick twin last night
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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