Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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