wrigley field is MILF paradise
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
