3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
