ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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