the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
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I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
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My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
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