Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
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