Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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