WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
