yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Randomize
