I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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