I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
