I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
