I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
