Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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