I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
