SEEEEXXX PLEASE
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
