seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Randomize
