I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
vagina is talking i cant
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Randomize
