I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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