Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
