I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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