He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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