Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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