Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
