I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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