i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i think i have two assholes
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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