He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
