I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
