from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
babies were throwing up all over the place
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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