I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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