if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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