This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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