i would punch a child for taco bell
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
