Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
