He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
