I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
