the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
