ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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