i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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