I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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