So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Randomize