I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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