Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I pour the whiskey from now on
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
